Falling Asleep on the "Job"

At least have the decency to finish the job...


Things to Avoid: Falling Asleep on the "Job"

All too often you hear stories of thefts, murders, break-ins, Assaults, rapes...just about any crime imaginable where the crook falls asleep before he can get through the most important part of the crime...Them getting away with it! What makes this so?

Are they anxious the night before plotting their master plan that they can't sleep which makes them fatigue the next day? Is it the sheer jubilation of completing the crime that the crook quickly comes down out of his state of euphoria that the only thing to do it take a quick cat nap... just in time for the cops to come?

Why can't they just do things like the movies? A huge heist in a movie like Ocean's 11, was masterfully planned and executed that it left no trace behind. They stole millions of dollars from a heavily guarded casino and no one even came close to being caught...or they get out of their wrong doings in the second or third movie...

But the nimwit thief who breaks into a family's house only to steal some immitation jewelry at best can't even get that right. He see the bed staring at him in the face saying, "come, lay on me...Only for a moment." And you know what? He thinks, I've got some time to waste and in doing so he finds himself with plenty of opportunities to find ways for him to waste times...when he's doing 2-3 years for being a complete idiot...

Fight Scene

Fight! Fight! Fight!




Thing you should avoid: Fighting with a shirt on

The sheer volume of things I could say about this, the worst fight scene ever, make my head want to explode, so I will limit myself.

Sting Ray? Is that your name? Really? You deserve to get your ass kicked, my friend. Not just for having a mostly harmless sea-creature as your nickname, but also for licking your knife.

Weirdo.

The April O'Neil look-alike really put her money where her mouth was when she told you she could kick your ass with one hand tied behind her back.

It's okay, though, because she made possibly the corniest victory line ever after hooking you like a fish: "Keep an eye out for ya, Sting Ray!" Corny runner up to your boyfriend's also shameful line, "Yea! See ya!"

Panic Shopping for Guns

"Look here Maw, I bought me a bazooka."

Things to Avoid: Panic Shopping for Guns

No... I'm not talking about any gun shows...

According to the Connecticut Post there has been an increase in gun sales in the south. And you know what's causing the sudden increase? Obama's election. They think he'll intact stricter gun laws that will prohibit the selling of some "assault rifles".

Rightfully so.

They are assault rifles. What other use does an assault rifle have than to maliciously assault someone. If you need these guns so bad then clearly there's something else going on. "I just wish I could afford more," said one gun enthusiast. Why so you can hunt down your own food with an AK-47? Because you still think you're over in Nam? You don't need guns like that in everyday life.

There could be another reason why the south has purchased these guns in such high accordance. Could it be because our president is of another color? There are a lot of racist people that live below the Mason Dixon Line that still think the south won the Civil War. We'll they didn't. So get over it and get over your racism.

Change is at hand whether good or bad, but in the end I firmly believe that it is better to make love, not war...

Doodoo

While doing a Google search for one of my previous blog posts, I came across this question posted by dr. mysterio on Yahoo! Answers:

What was that song in the just for men touch of gray
commercial?
it goes, do do do do do do do dooo doo doodo do do do do do do
dooo doo doo

Thing to avoid: Asking the above question

I realize that someone else who knows the song could easily answer the question. But honestly, dr. mysterio, are you really only going to use two letters over and over again to describe a song?

Go to their website, ask a friend, or search the depths of the internet to find the song. Exhaust all options before you elect to look like a dumbass for all the world to see.

Talking to the TV

"If I just let Jack Bauer know who the spy is, things will be resolved in a matter of minutes!"

Things to Avoid: Talking to the TV

We all have one friend who does this at some point...

When the lights are out and we are watching Jason 217 with all our friends. There's always that one person from the group who is scared out of her wits and decides the best thing is to let the half naked bimbo on the screen know where the killer is. "Don't Go Through That Door!" and sure enough she enters and is hacked to death by a kitchen knife. If only that damn TV had listened...

It won't and unless there is new technology where it turns the TV into one of those choose your own adventure books, it's not going to happen anytime soon.

Sure live TV little bit different because it's happening right then and there and who knows what will happen, but it's annoying when your Dad is watching his beloved New York Jets <--(CLICK) miss every pass thrown directly to the bread basket and finally he can't take enough so he blurts out "Catch a Damn pass!! Even I could catch that!"

Sure you could Dad...You don't need to yell anymore tonight, I'm sure they heard you loud and clear...

P.S. Don't forget to click the links on some names, they'll give you more insight in the Avoiding World...

Shadow People

A frightened woman describes the Shadow Person she caught on tape:



Seriously?

Thing to avoid: Puppies in the dark

This might have been the most anticlimactic conclusion to anything I have ever seen in my life.

This woman had me freaked out. Her distant voice and glazed eyes... I braced myself for something truly shocking and horrifying to jump out.

Then all I get is a 3-second clip of her puppy in the dark. You can even hear his collar. It is not even a scary dog. Watch the last few seconds again.

It's laughable how some people can so easily waste my time with a video.

Perhaps it is more laughable that I wasted your time by reposting it and commenting on it

An Asinine Alias

"Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?"

Things You Should Avoid: An Asinine Alias

According to the New York Post:

A 19-year-old Englishman has legally changed his name from George Garret to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spider-Man Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined, after paying a $16 fee. "I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes," said the boy...

The boy wanted to be unique...This is how you go about doing it? What's wrong with the good old fashion tattoo? Or the pierced eyebrow? Those two things can help you become "unique", changing your name is borderline criminal.

What made him decide on superheroes? I would love nothing more if my name was McLovin because all the ladies would suddenly fall in love with me....or not. Just because you change your name to something or give yourself your own stupid nickname, doesn't make it the truth. In fact, I'm pretty sure you are not faster than all those comic book characters combined because they aren't real!!!!!

What's his first name? Does he even have one? What does he write down on his driver's license because I'm pretty sure it doesn't leave enough space for 14 names to be written down. But if changing his name suddenly makes it true for him then I am McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor...

Lock the Door

"It did feel good, didn't it, Ricky?"

Thing to avoid: Getting Caught.

Can't get anything by Ricky's all-knowing mom. I realize that the poor kid is in shock, but c'mon man, give some kind of excuse! Some key words to use: "napping," "stretching," "adjusting," etc. At the very least, be offended that she didn't knock. Say something!

Like his mom, I too am happy that he is at least doing it in the privacy of his own room. Too many kids these days are doing this kind of thing right out in the open on Main Street.

Until Ricky is old enough to have that two-way chat with his mom to learn how to suppress his feelings, perhaps she should take down the "Make Love Not War" sign on his door so that he doesn't get too many creative ideas.

A Political Snob

You are too young to even make a difference...So I'm forcing my belief on you and ruining you for the rest of your lives...

Things to avoid: Being a Political Snob to Children

I'm tired of NoBama...BaRock The Vote and other clever sayings about who you should or should not vote for. It's annoying to hear a man rant for hours at a party telling everyone why his political candidate is the one for you. Man, I don't care, the person next to you doesn't care...we can make a decision on our own and don't need your help.

Then there are the real psychos....In Detroit Michigan a woman, who was an avid McCain supporter, denied candy on Halloween to anybody who supported Obama or was the offspring of supporters of Obama...

Wait...Really? You choose to spread your political beliefs this way? To children that can't even vote??? What did she do to find out who the Obama Supporters were, did she ask before she handed out candy who mommy and daddy were voting for? Please lady get a life. You've mixed a children's holiday with something that should have no part in all the festivities.

That is why people like you should be avoided and denied access to a voting machine just like you denied children their precious Butterfinger BBs...

Dancing Drunks

Someone has the moves to seduce you.

Things to Avoid: Dancing Drunks

Now I'm not saying all drunks that want to dance are bad, because some can be quite nice. But this kind of dancing should be illegal in all states. I don't think they know where they are and if I had to guess this would be the jersey shore. But maybe not.

What I don't get is the girl. Is she a friend? Is she making fun of them? Is she actually turned on by this? I wish I knew those answers and I wish I knew why she didn't try to avoid these two altogether.

These two must feel like they are the kings of the world and with the attention of an attractive girl and the 10 Jager Bombs they just downed up until this point, maybe they are...maybe they aren't...